The Ongoing Question…

Yesterday, I started my post off with a question that has never left my mind since I saw two pink lines show up on that pregnancy test with Erin: When will this one die too? It a question I’m sure many Rainbow Moms have, but I don’t think every Rainbow Mom does ask.  Us Rainbow Moms seem to be a little more cautious when it comes to raising our rainbows.  When Erin was learning how to crawl, I bought her knee pads so she wouldn’t bruise her knees crawling on the hardwood floor.  They were great…..for a chew toy!  Erin decided she didn’t need them and eventually crawled well on her own (although she doesn’t do the traditional “both knees on the ground” crawl). The knee pads just got in the way or kept slipping.  They were cute though.  And with the company’s slogan of “We Take the Bruisin’ Before Baby Starts Cruizin'” how could you not resist buying them!  Now that Erin is cruising (has been for a few months), she seems to get a new scratch or bruise each day. I feel horrible.  Before she was born, I used to tell my friends my kid was going to live in a bubble so nothing could hurt her at all and then she won’t die.  Well, we don’t have the bubble (Ping never took the time to make one) I know it is normal for a baby to get bumps and bruises.  I’m getting used to that.  But each time her little head (and I mean LITTLE!  It’s only 3 percentile for her age) hits the hardwood floor, the loud sound sends my nerves flying!  As I race to swoop her up before she realizes she either scared herself or it actually hurt, I feel guilty.  Guilty for letting her be in a position to allow that to happen.  I know, I can’t protect her from every harm.  I’m working on that.  But those nerves keep flying even after I calm my crying child.  I hesitate putting her down for a nap or bedtime afraid that she’ll never wake up.  What if she seriously hurt herself, she got a concussion, her brain is damaged and bleeding, what if she broke a bone in her skull or face (depending on how she fell)?  The next hour and a half of nap or 12 hours of sleep are really hard for me, I keep having these fears pop up in my head.  I probably wouldn’t be this way if Rachel hadn’t died or hadn’t entered my life at all.  If Erin was my first child, I think these fears wouldn’t be so prominent in my mind, but that’s not what happened.  Rachel did come into my life, she did stay with us for a bit, and did pass.  Now, Erin, my ONLY living child is here, and I hope she sticks around for a very long time.

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